Mensyukuri Rahmat Allah Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim

She's diminutive but strong-headed. She's full of vigour but at the same time mellow and sweet.....She's my first born, my one and only Yaya. It is still vivid in my mind, the day when she was brought into this world, some twenty-five years ago. Our matrimonial lives suddenly perked up as if there was a humongous beacon of light being shone onto us. Our excitement and happiness were evidently hard to contain. Being our first pride and joy, our little Yaya was everything to us (and still is) and life then couldn't be better. We took hundreds of her baby pictures and each time they would fit an album. I guess that is quite a normal thing for most first time parents.

For the first two years, she was solely breast-fed and she practically bloomed with the passing of each day. She grew up to be a bouncy little baby, all healthy and bright, approaching toddler hood. However as soon as the weaning began at the age of two, she began to demonstrate signs of ill-health. There were endless bouts of fever, sniffling, chesty coughs and their usual accompaniments. With  regular hospitalizations and painful invasive medical routines that followed like the poking of needles into her delicate flesh every now and then, the adverse effect was slowly but progressively taking its toll on our lives.  I remember fairly well the traumatic experience I had had when she was admitted not once but twice into the ICU and numerously in regular wards. She was finally diagnosed as having a chronic bronchial asthma with complications. I guess tonnes of steroids were administered into her during all those times just so to get her breathing stabilized.


On my side, I had to juggle precious little time between work and motherly duties that included caring for a sick child, which to me was unbearably hard at first, being a young inexperienced mum and all. I decided to attain books and journals for the sake of gleaning useful information on related matters just so to get myself adequately acquainted with the situation I was in, as information at that time was scarce and not readily available, so to speak. My anxiety in seeing her in a helpless condition at such tender age and fatigue due to exhaustion and sleeplessness had driven me to become somewhat edgy, pensive and easily irritated. And to make matters worse, our financial standing was hitting rock-bottom too. Eventually, I had to tender in my resignation as her health condition became more demanding that needed me to devote my time and undivided attention. Alhamdulillah, thanks to the loyal support, patience and understanding from immediate family members and friends,  I got over it eventually after struggling for many long months and slowly adapting myself to cope with problems as they arose. But sadly, in the midst of my predicament, I lost a child I was carrying who was just entering the third month of gestation. However, I could not wallow in sadness for long as I had a sick child to care for. Verily, Allah is all-knowing, most merciful.

However, on a good note, I grew up with a wealth of experience in areas I thought to be 'uncharted territories' before. Why do I say this? Because everywhere I went after that I had to bring along a big duffle bag loaded with books and notes, some asthma medications along with its paraphernalia (which included needles and saline among others) plus a nebulizer which is a medical apparatus used to treat asthmatics and not forgetting a stethoscope too. Apparently, I was given a crash-course by a good doctor friend of mine on the basic know-how to self-medicate as her asthma can strike anytime, anywhere and in her case time was very much of the essence especially if the attack was a full-blown one. I felt more assured and at ease then that I could converse intelligently with the doctor by citing her medical history as accurately as needed alongside pertinent medical jargon and the types of related medication among others, that aided their work faster and more efficiently. And I was thankful that most doctors if not all, whom I'd seen and consulted with, appreciated and even welcomed the effort that was put in. After all, it did make their job way much easier, didn't it?  Well, so much for that I guess.


Then, suddenly at the age of thirteen, she was again admitted to the ICU but this time it was due to duodenal (peptic) ulcer. Apparently there was a huge laceration in her duodenum wall resulting in her vomiting fresh blood. It was nothing like the oozing of blood when we cut or prick our finger, rather it was an outpour of about two to three bowls of it. There was also blood gushing out continuously from her nose as well. I remember a full box of tissues was gone in seconds to contain the blood from her nasal. I was sent into a panic frenzy as I witnessed all these and when my daughter finally slumped into her bed, helpless, her face all white and body almost lifeless, I was petrified and cried incessantly. For a while there was chaos in the ward as nurses came rushing in and out. A few were seen frantically making calls as doctors and more nurses were called in. She was immediately transfused but soon complications arose. She became bloated with signs of allergy as her system simply rejected the infused blood. They halted the transfusion immediately and she was getting paler and weaker. I felt like I was about to pass out too but I knew I had to be strong for my Yaya's sake. The last thing I heard, she had to be rushed to the HSA (Hospital Sultanah Aminah) in JB as BP Hospital didn't have the expertise then to handle such cases. I remember much after that, seeing her medical report written 'bleeding all over' and it sent me chills up the spine once again.


Long story short, she had her school sport the previous morning and as it was raining, she came back with a high temperature. The doctor at the clinic I went to was perhaps too quick to administer Ponstan on her (I didn't realize it until much later), an analgesic which proved to be too strong for a 12-year old, what more it was prescribed without its usual accompaniment of alkaline substance. Worse still, the doc did not caution me on the possible negative impact caused by its acidity and that analgesics must not be taken with an empty stomach. As a result, she felt severe cramping in her mid-section, her temperature readings undulated and her dizzy spells took a turn for the worse and the rest, as they say is pretty much history.


She was rushed in the middle of the night to the HSA in JB in what to be our first horrifying ambulance ride and hopefully God willing the last. She was still vomiting blood then and being transfused at the same time.  Two nurses accompanied us. Upon reaching there, presumably a doctor clad in after-hours attire (later I realized that he was among the top-notch specialists there) was already waiting impatiently to examine her.


 "She has to be operated on first thing in the morning, make sure by 7 sharp, she's at my door step", I heard him talking in an urgent tone to the nurses on-call.


Thankfully, she managed to sleep that night after being sedated although she was tossing and turning in discomfort as two tubes were inserted into her; one draining the blood out while another transfused blood in. She was also being administered the catheter. The next day, by the breaking of dawn, she was prepared for surgery. An endoscopy procedure was performed on her by way of a probing instrument inserted through her mouth right down through her trachea and then to the duodenum. The surgeon immediately saw the root cause in the form of a relatively big wound and to stop the profuse bleeding they had to inject adrenaline and suture up the gaping wound.

But before that, soon after she was wheeled into the OT, the surgeon gently cautioned us to prepare for the worst as her condition was categorized as highly critical, in other words her chance of surviving was 50-50.  As soon as I heard this, my heart sank. I felt like the sky was about to tumble on me. I was slumped into the chair, speechless and all. Seconds later, tears started to roll down uncontrollably. For quite some time I was immersed and engulfed by my own anxiety and fear. Then, as if Allah Almighty had put some senses back into me, I managed to gather and compose myself back in order to deal with the situation more appropriately.


Outside the OT, I said my prayer intensely, seeking and begging for the graciousness and benevolence of the Almighty to lift up the suffering that had befallen my little Yaya and for three long hours I sat solemnly in my chair, asking Allah for his forgiveness; with all sincerity, I was willing (redha) 'to let her go' if her time had come for He is my Creator, He gives and He takes as He pleases. I pledged my utmost gratitude (syukur) incessantly for bestowing upon me this beautiful daughter of mine but most importantly, for giving me the inner strength and contentment (sakinah) with which I was finally able to come to terms with the most difficult situation in my entire life.


Alas, the door was flung open and the surgeon came out with a broad smile on his face. Instantly, I knew that everything was going to be alright. Apparently I had got my baby girl back for now. I professed 'syukur' to Allah, the Benevolent. My state of euphoria then was simply indescribable and I cried again only this time it was tears of joy and gratitude (syukur). Finally, the gaping was successfully sutured up and the bleeding apparently stopped only that the excess blood in the stomach needed to be drained out.


After three long days the draining of blood stopped and all insertions were finally removed. Her face began to glow again and she was able to smile at my cracking of some light jokes. After one long week at the HSA, as soon as the critical period was over, I asked to be transferred back home, into a hospital near home so that she could see her siblings and other family members for support and love. During the whole ordeal, I never stopped asking the Almighty, for His endless blessings (rahmah) to be bestowed on my precious child especially during her time of recuperation as sometimes negative repercussion could happen, I was told.

Today, with many thanks to Allah the Almighty, my not-so-little Yaya is sick no more, InsyaAllah. Apparently she has outgrown the asthma and her ulcer seems to have been cured for good or at least kept at bay. She is now an energetic young lady hopefully to be betrothed one fine day to the man of her destiny. She is also a full-fledged QS, leading her own quiet but busy life in a suburbia of the metropolis KL. Now with each day's passing, I still reminisce about her arduous journey from the time it all began and her agony of pain and discomfort that encapsulated her entire early life.


Alhamdulillah till this day, I take everything in good stride, reflect every happening with full conscience and  retrospect in order to reap in all the goodness that can be derived from these experiences. For however bad it was or painful it might seem, it is always negligible as compared to other sufferings in this world and this is something that I have to keep intact in my mind. There are bountiful of 'Hikmah' (lessons) learned, 'Rahmah' attained and for that I have all the more reasons to be forever thankful to Allah, Ya Rahman Ya Rahim. Yaya, my child, as long as I walk and breathe on this earth of Allah, I will never stop praying for your well-being and happiness in this world and the next, InsyaAllah. Remember, as a good muslimah, carry out your obligations as ordained, do as many good deeds and give sadaqah (alms for the poor and needy) be it in cash or in kind for they will take you far far away from calamity and sickness and last but not least, be kind and gentle to other beings for they are all creations of Allah. Verily, you will never go wrong if you abide by these Syariat of Allah, Ya Rabb.


(The above post was written in conjunction with the celebration and appreciation of the auspicious night of Nisf Syaaban. Let's pray for a long life filled with good deeds and wholehearted submission and subservience to Allah; for rezq in health, knowledge and happiness in this world and the hereafter and finally for the ultimate Jannah InsyaAllah. Ameen.)